George's Galaxy, My Word

...These tracks are side by side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.

-Ben Kenobi, Star Wars (1977)

It's funny, I didn't expect much out of the new Star Wars film, seeing as it wasn't a film at all, but I expected it to further explain or connect items in the Star Wars universe that may have been left out or forgotten when Lucas made the horrendous prequel trilogy. Instead, I found myself trapped in a theatre between a bunch of cute little "american dream" type families and a TV show taht wouldn't go to commercial, a TV show that was barely a Star Wars film even in name, a film where they leave out facts that are directly stated in the films that gave Lucasfilm Ltd. a spot in movie history.

I spent an hour and forty-five minutes watching a film that showed Tusken Raiders riding upon their Banthas in unorganized herds. Jesus fucking Christ, if they're gonna even use the Tusken Raider war cry along with a visual of them traveling the dune sea of Tatooine, they should at least one of the two facts that were used to determine whether or not they attacked the Jawas in A New Hope. Even my fuckin' mom who last saw Star Wars on a date back in '77 remembered that line.

Another very, very disturbing part was Obi-Wan's use of a hostage in order to avoid enemy fire. What the fuck is that? I know for sure it can't be the Jedi way. I understand you can use the Force and whatever else in order to defend yourself, but a hostage situation is something that is expected from a Sith, something that would be seen as "dark" in the eyes of the Jedi. But no, he puts a guy in a choke hold and uses him as a fuckin' shield.

I liked the part when George Lucas decided to throw away any other possible conflict to use Jabba the Hutt as the main plot device. Return of the Jedi was a great film, and it used the Hutt well. But its been 25 years since it came out, and Lucas and his buddy-buddy writers have developed Jabba further and presented him as a nearly asexual being who has a unique fetish for humanoid girls (i.e. Princess Leia and the various Twi'lek dancers in his palace to name a few). This basically eliminates any chance of being able to produce offspring. But yet, come this interquel, he was able to father a son (who is never named in the film, instead, he is only referred to as "Jabba's son").

But seriously, the BEST fucking part was at the end, after the audience had spent an hour and a half watching Anakin flirt with his new apprentice (yea, that's right, he somehow got an apprentice while still being under the guidance of Master Kenobi, but I'll get to that later) and struggle to save Jabba's son from Ventress (a character introduced in the first Clone Wars TV show on Cartoon Network who hasn't been mentioned anywhere else), Padme comes along, out of nowhere, and (feminists rejoice!) saves the day and is the ultimate hero. This completely throws off anyone who was able to follow the paper thin plot from start to ten minutes left of the movie. Oddly enough, for the short amount of time that she and Threepio are in the film, they are the only characters who look like realistic depictions of their live-action selves. Also, if my ears served me right, they were also the only characters to have been voiced by the original actors who played them in teh first place.

Overall though, besides all the plot holes and continuity errors, the movie did what it was supposed to do: make mon... I mean, introduce the world to the new part of the Star Wars extended universe. I certainly wouldn't pay to see it again, but that's how I was with the Prequel Trilogy, so I'm sure once it comes out on DVD, I'll find a friend who's dumb enough to rent it and I'll rip it to my iTunes library, so it can sit among the other films taken from the Journal of the Whills.

Fuck you.